•July 31, 2013 • Leave a Comment

They keep dancing. Baggy trousers, khaki. 5 of them. They whizz and whir in front of me, mostly in my field of vision but sometimes they flitter around the periphery. It makes me dizzy. They are showing off their moves and sizing up each others style.
They have those wheels. I wanted those. Faster, better, smoother. The concrete is mostly rough but those wheels still glide.
The second group move in. There is tension in the air, like fog, hanging, suffocating and stifling.
I keep quiet, I have to, I mustn’t be heard.
They approach each other, I can’t hear what they are saying.
I hear the sound of bike engines.
Then those two arrive.
The rest stand around as spectators. They’re expecting their money’s worth. So am I.
One has a tight black leather dress, her modified stockings are also black leather and conceal her wheels. Classy. Jet black hair, pulled back tightly in a bun.
The other wears a short white top underneath a Kimono cross Sirwal attire. She has mousy hair, messy but also pulled back.
They start off facing each other, the woman in a Kimono bows slightly, hands pressed together. The other woman examines her fingernails and looks bored.
The beat is started by someone in the crowd. The speakers start to sound.
They move their legs rhythmically, in perfect symmetry, gliding in a semicircle and always maintaining eye contact. The crowd is pushed back and their space becomes larger in the concrete plains.
Without warning their guns are suddenly visible, they’re shooting, missing. They twirl their bodies in seemingly choreographed circles and head for the open space beyond.
Motorbike engines fire up as they are followed. I keep ahead of the bikes and follow the action.
The taller woman in black is leading, two big movements of her feet and shots from her gun ensue.
The kimono clad woman swiftly following does a complex twirl and returns the shots.
The woman in black flinches but doesn’t stop moving.

to be continued


I didn’t want to write this.

•July 31, 2013 • 1 Comment

just as the title says. Simply because I know people will get interested in labelling me (not it??) one thing or another. but it’s just what I feel right now. note – right now. Not that I expect a press release or anything 😀

the hell hole
is responding to everyone around you
being thoughtful
doing, pleasing, thinking, feeling
all for them
and it drags you down
so far down
and you try and scramble up
hanging on any small words of praise
expecting everything of yourself and always thinking that others expect more
and you feel guilty and worthless every second
and you need to be told that you are doing a good job
you need to please others
and you need to know you are pleasing them
and any emotion you feel just for yourself
and any action you take just for yourself
or even any that is just slightly less “for others”
fills you with pain; guilt, anguish, anxiety
that you are bad, you have done wrong, you are not good enough
as if the beating isn’t enough
you just cant get away from it
you’re trapped
always trapped

Rough Draft

•June 2, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Science is the genre of normality.
It’s the kind of normal that is logical and which progresses day by day, slowly growing layers, developing, following a natural progression, like from birth to death, caterpillar to chrysalis to butterfly, sex to babies and feeding for survival. It’s the kind of natural where mice are eaten by owls. And it’s never the other way round. Never does the mouse eat the owl.
In the world of science fiction however all these laws are broken and darkness creeps in.

It swiftly sweeps across landscapes where water fills the sky and you walk amongst the suns rays, bending your head to avoid the mountainous peaks which are icy with snow white cold. The planet doesn’t revolve and the seasons never change, they simply exist one after the other. But I’ve already said that things don’t happen logically so one after the other is not quite as you’d expect. All sense of time is different and the layers which time usually dictate must be added gradually and predictably, one by one, instead come on in groups all at once; and sometimes those layers lift off to float away and then they could come back again. You can die before you are born, you can become a baby overnight. You can suddenly have wings and a snout. The only thing that stays the same is the knowledge of the world science once brought. The world that did exist but no longer does. Inside you lives all the information and experience of what should be, what would have been. Therein lies the knowledge that the mouse never eats the owl, but somehow you just don’t exist there.

You Make Me Who I Am Today and Every Day

•May 31, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I have never been so deeply and completely affected by any single person in my whole life (except my mother but from a different angle in a different way and much less consciously and reflectively).
You were a conscious choice in my life. I chose your presence, your company, your friendship, support and the challenges you bring.
I choose you every single day and I question you every single day.
I hope to go on questioning you and choosing you for the rest of my life unless you stop being the person who you are in which case I could not possibly stay with you unless of course I stop being the person that I am (I have to add this clause or I would be insincere!).

I cannot say I love you because to me this is meaningless. My world revolves around you, you are part of the air I breathe and the sensations I feel under my skin.
You disorient me to the point where I am spinning out of control in the depths of an abyss and in equal measure you become an integral part of my identity as I seek you out for support and to calibrate my reality.

You and me are one in the free-est possible way. I am free because I make my conscious choice every day, I question and I challenge and I set my mind on my present and look towards my future, always aware of my past with you and how you are an inseparable aspect of my reality.

I am ever changing and so are you and I hope we grow and shift together like particles of sand on the beach in stormy weather. With you always yet forever far apart, we are two humans who exist as close as can be.

I am yours always,

Monday Morning on Tuesday

•May 28, 2013 • Leave a Comment

So, today I woke up (yes yes I know, it gets better don’t worry!), I got the two steps off to their mums, (well actually, my partner did). I was feeling really grumpy as I was cold (the back door had been open for a while) and hungry! Not to mention I always feel a bit crappy and out of place when it’s ‘changeover day’, and there is often so long in between!

On that note, I decided to shove the mountains of washing up aside to squeeze in a frying pan so I could make a bacon butty with cheese – note that my mood started to improve immediately – I gave one plate to my lovely partner and made one for myself.

Next I decided to take on a vicious task and convince my daughter to learn to play Mario. Yes I know, I know, so many parents can’t get their kids off their console, my stepson included, and I’m trying to get my daughter on one! You see that’s exactly my problem, my daughter wants to join in but she’s 3 years younger than my stepson and just doesn’t have the skills or practice. So I have vowed to change that.

The half hour that followed involved a serious dose of coaxing, cajoling and, well, chanting actually! (Chant “I can do it *punch fist in the air*” – chant with me – “I can do it *punch fist in the air*”; try it, it feels good, honest!). She managed a “ba blae ble-ble” but the words were tough for her to repeat; she lacks the self belief!

Every time it didn’t work out, or she found co-ordinating two buttons at once challenging, she wanted to give up. This is such a typical problem I’m sure many of us face, the fear of failure, the feeling of incompetence, the feeling that you can’t. We focus so much on end results that we forget to praise the method and so often we allow our kids (and ourselves!) to ‘give up’ and stop trying.

She did persevere, and I repeatedly told her that her techniques were improving – “Yes! You pressed both buttons at once that time, keep at it!” – but she still kept trying to give up. Eventually I decided we should have a ‘break’ (after reaching a previously specified point in the game) and I am convinced we will get back to it. I will make sure this actually happens, because I want my daughter to feel how good it is when you finally succeed in learning (and executing) something new. I want her to find out that she will be able to play Mario soon even though she can’t imagine it now. I have to remind myself not to put emphasis on the end result but rather on the journey. I have the same conundrum with my stepson. He is fantastic at Mario now (after months of practice and a lot of help) but there are still times when he doesn’t want to “keep trying” when he gets a “difficult” level and he will break down in tears, screaming and shouting at the “stupid game” and announcing how much he “hates” it (He’s 7 by the way).

The most upsetting problem to come of this lack of self belief and lack of perseverance is that outside forces are blamed for what is actually inside themselves, which means that when things go well they also attribute this to outside forces (my stepson loves to say “I’m such a lucky boy” and “Mario did so well!”). They look to parents and others around them to step in and help instead of persevering to get results for themselves. They often learn exactly what pitch to whinge at and they hone their complaining skills to perfection just to get our attention and prod us to step in and take over. This happens to everyone, and I know I feel that way often, even when I sit down to something I enjoy like writing (think: the music next door is too loud, I need a drink, it’s too hot in here etc).

We too often over praise and fear the natural ‘failures’ instead of seeing them as an opportunity to learn. We are too often upset over or agitated by their problems and try too hard to make things easier. We can be too easy on ourselves too, “oh I’ve done 30 minutes of work, I’ll just spend two hours procrastinating as a ‘reward'”.

I was left contemplating this topic as me and my daughter settled into our lazy morning together and snuggled in bed to watch ‘Tron, Uprising’.(episode 8).

I watched with the previous scenes of my daughter and Mario still firmly in my mind and I noted how the Hero in Tron swooped in to save his friends; a fast car gliding smoothly and easily across the twisty path… now it’s the last moment where he steps up a gear and swoops in to cut the ropes holding his friends captive… now he’s jumping in the rolling car and reversing up a collapsing slope whilst his three friends bounce and roll as they fall, landing miraculously heads up in the car (each in their own seat!)… and as the bazooka aims and shoots twice, the Hero manages to drive over the massive gap between the slope and the tunnel (avoiding the bazooka shots of course)… and all of the characters end up laughing at their good fortune with their arms hanging cooly on the window ledges. Wow. So is that where our kids get it from? If only we could all be Heroes. Yes, yes, I know, Heroes are also often shown as overcoming hardships, challenges, and working night and day to be the Heroes they become. And of course it’s a pretty admirable goal – to be a hero – it’s just that it can’t possibly reflect the realities of the “I can’t do it” moments, and it still makes the actual doing seem impossibly simply! That’s fantasy for you. Here’s to hoping we can help kids enjoy the reality and feel good about the little heroes that they are, toil and all! In fact, here’s to hoping they are fine with not feeling good about it, and that neither they nor others mind, and then they can feel satisfied knowing that trying really is good enough! And yes, here’s to hoping we can grow our own inner hero and feel proud about real achievements that take effort and skill to reach!

Love Me True

•May 26, 2013 • Leave a Comment

You demand that I be kind. Polite, thoughtful, considerate.
You are quick to judge and fervently express concern at any lack of manners, lack of ethics, morals, values. Big names, big concepts, and yet you are so thoroughly wrapped up in yourself that you see no further than your own devouring needs. Your need for attention, love, compliance. You have a need for me to be like you, you think that I can make others value you. You are conceited and narrow minded despite your goodwill and intentions of an open heart. Your head is filled with who you should be and you see all your fragile pieces breaking apart when I am any different than the poster girl you so desperately will me to conform to. I am not a reflection of you, I am not a reflection of your religion of perfection, of hard wired morals and values which you preach whilst failing to see and engage on nuances. I am not and I cannot be unwhole and for the sake of our shared reality I will lay it bare and naked in front of you. This mirror will stop reflecting what your eyes want to see and will start reflecting all the colours of the rainbow, like crystal, crystal clear.

If you knew how to recognise and confront your thoughts and feelings, instead of repressing and suppressing them, you would be able to say ‘enough’ you would be able to say ‘we differ’ and you would be able to say ‘I see you’. You would be able to reach the places that now you hide from and walk around. And all of this would be okay, instead of an affront. Only after you see clearly will you know me and only then will we love each other and be true to ourselves.

My Feminism. And by the way, it found my man, it’s not my man who founded it!

•May 24, 2013 • Leave a Comment

I am pondering over a difficulty. It’s a difficulty I have struggled with for years, as long as I can remember in fact!

I read this post:

And I barely got through the first paragraph before the synapses in my brain started tingling… or stinging or something. Like a sting ray? No.

Anyway, Kindness, Patience. That’s it. For me that is the missing link. Us of the feminine revolution, oh sorry “feminist” revolution, or surf or whatever, are stuck in this exact problem. Kindness. Character traits are most important. In fact they are superior. It is better to be a woman, who is a feeling, kind, patient person, than a man, who is a thinking, knowledge driven and logical person, never mind the fact that these things are wrapped up as male traits when in actuality they are outside of the individual (like ‘knowledge’ of course – and method – which can be learned). Anyway, things like “instinct” and “motherly” behaviour, nurture, all built into women of course, are superior by a unanimous vote these days.

Well I reject it. I reject it in all its pretty pink and bow wrapped up judgemental arrogant and egotistic hypocritical package. There, it’s out my system. Oh how my mother would be proud. Or rather not. Well here’s further news for you:

We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers… [you see? built in character traits obviously, not actions at all!] We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others…We are the daughters of the feminists who said “You can be anything” and we heard “You have to be everything.”

Curtesy of: who quotes from: Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters by Courtney Martin. Which I haven’t read by the way.

This is the reality of feminism. Or the wrong bits of it (if I may be so judgemental of course – but I shall claim it as being so don’t you worry – and please don’t judge me, or at least, if you do, say that it is your judgement and not my character which has offended you so!)

This to me is also the reality of the white woman. Of the ‘middle class’, well-to-do, professional woman. And perhaps of every woman, but living in Britain I don’t feel in a position to comment on any other woman as the white middle class professional is by far the most ‘authoritative’ here, or so she tries to be. Mother knows best, the white woman knows best, the 1970’s white (female) feminist knows best. Superior and morally untouchable on your pedestal yet full of all the contradictions, dilemmas and inconsistencies of every single human being. Yes, every one.

I’m sure there will be more to come, this stuff fills me to the innermost depths, so I guess it fills me down to my toes. It fills me in every way, and it is like a beast who is shackled in a cold dark cave and screams at it’s injustice (perceived? I’m sure you’d think so!).

Well anyway. I hope we can find a magic mirror that will help us all see the other side of ourselves and stop us from imagining that we are one dimensional and that there is only one god. Or only no god. Religion surrounds us, especially on the point of Kindness and Patience.

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